Health Insurance Has made me "PSYCHO"!

I have worked on 'Health Insurance' quite literally, ALL DAY LONG.  At the end of the day (right now) this is how I'm feeling!

It's not what I planned! Today was  the last day of summer for my two high school children and although we were having to spend it at the shop working (already knew before my feet the ground this morning it was going to be a crazy day at Crafting Iron!)  I was going to make sure we at least had some fun. Plans were already in place (in my mind) to let them go early so they could buy a couple (ok, 2 each) pieces of new clothing for school.... However, none of this happened because of a 9:38am phone call from my college freshman took all day and my kids (and husband) were afraid to talk to me.

You see, my husband and I own our own business.  Just in case you are just cruising by my Blog, I have uncontrolled seizures and can't work. My husband has created a business which he enjoys so that he can take care of me and I can help often as I can (which lately, thankfully, has been often!). This is a great thing for us--we have owned our own business in one form or another our entire married 'life'.

 What is not so great is health insurance.

Please, don't turn me off! I know we are currently overwhelmed with phases like "Obamacare" and "Insurance Reform" and other nifty 'words' which happen to be all 'buzzing' on Capitol Hill. For the record: I don't know a lot about Obamacare--what I do know makes me uneasy BUT that is NOT what this is about it. This is about ME and MY FAMILY.

You see, we are 'those' American's most of the Capitol Hill people yell and scream about. We have been without health insurance since my husband and I were 'let go' over 4 years ago and quite honestly, our coverage was spotty before that (when we didn't have a 'J O B' --being paid by a company that offered insurance and we paid out of our checks--and were self-employed we didn't have coverage). Add in the fact that I have a 'chronic disorder' which may never be in "Remission" (which means I don't have to take medication to control it) and my 19 yr old son has a different chronic disorder, which isn't in remission and might never be and you have a "Hot Steaming Health Insurance Mess".

 We have paid cash for the last three years because bottom line--I couldn't afford to pay $600.00-1,200 a month for health insurance that wouldn't cover our pre-existing conditions for at least a year at best. (I also missed out on the announcement they couldn't deny my son coverage for pre-existing before he was 18 and missed that "inclusion" boat by 3 months...yes, I take full responsibility for that.)  while making sure we did get the medication and health care we needed. Yes, I paid my bills (sometimes I put them on layaway and have some help with medication costs through drug mfg. thank goodness or, honestly don't know where we would be).

Now is a different 'ball of wax' as the saying goes.   My child is attending college and has an athletic scholarship. I researched and was (what I thought was blessed) with an insurance that won't, as the agent put it, "Pay for a tummy ache but will for all sports or college related injuries"....well, lo and behold! The information was given to me through a college representative!!! That is NOT right. Added to that (after hours and hours of research, phone calls and even a few heated arguments today) there is NO SUCH THING for most all health insurance companies! If you have a student athlete chances are an injury will not be paid for by traditional companies--even if we could get basic coverage from those companies.

SO, what am I suppose to do? Pay for coverage that will slap a big ol' 'EXCLUSION RIDER' on us (if by some miracle we aren't automatically kicked out during pre-screening)  for his Ulcerative Colitis and risk that he MOST LIKELY won't be covered if he is injured during practice? While of course, trying to pay tuition and all the other related college costs?

Of course, I will also for at least a year, continue to have to come up with out-of-pocket money for our current "health needs".... while trying to research exactly how the new Obamacare will help (or hinder, which is what I'm afraid) my current coverage and small business....

As you can see...that would be why I'm a "little Lollipop triple dipped in Psycho" today!

Wish me luck for tomorrow as I pray faithfully for a resolution before September 15 which he has to have so he can keep his scholarship....

I believe.

Write for my "Inners"

Today during my quiet time, which I have been avoiding, I realized that over the last year and a half I have done myself a great injustice. I haven't written once in my journal. Not. One. Word.

The reasons...OK, OK, OK! Excuses really, are numerous with some 'real' and others, not so much. All of them boiling down to one, avoiding my own reflection.

Justifications of, "I'm so busy" and "Exhausted doesn't begin to describe how I feel" worked to appease my Inner Voice while keeping my Authentic Inner Self shut down and non-nagging. In the end 'tho, I cheated them both. (Along with those around me that had to deal with a less pleasant and fun Dara, I believe).

Writing for no other reason then to allow my mind to air out while my Inner Voice and Authentic Inner Self to speak to "ME".  The act of blessing me with a safe venue to pour out my anger, bitterness, jealousy, fear, and resentment and acknowledging them without the "Negatives" a place to roost on my "Inners" thereby strangling all the beauty they focus on to be ME.  Happy Me. Peaceful ME. Appreciative ME.   Yes, I did the whole "plaster a smile and fake it" but, it has

When I take a few minutes out of my day to simply, "BE" with a pen and paper my day is simply better (YES! I'm old fashioned and "behind the times," as my kids remind me often, it has to be pen and paper...sometimes I really walk the line and use a pencil...lead just doesn't seem to last). The "Negatives" don't rule me quite as much and I can roll the with dips because I started out on my mental mountain instead of the darkest of my secret valleys.

Also, I have no real record of how I felt and changes/challenges  we walked, stumbled and crawled through (they were many I can say that! )...I can recall with a fuzzy-year long removed memory of what it was like but, it simply isn't as clear as years past when I have written them down--opening a 'book' and reading my words.  The realization hit me when I was doing receipts for taxes (a very good thing has come from the tedious, icky job) and I realized that a year ago today we arrived in Las Vegas with the fruit of our labors, faith and all our money...and that I had no emotional record of the experience.  

Now, a year later, we are no longer doing that business (....with NO regrets).  The lesson's we learned in the process....well, I wish I would have recorded them so I would know all of them instead of the few I can name (in another Blogg perhaps).

So, it is now a new year. New business. With a renewed focus to simply Sit. Write. Reflect. Be with a pen and paper allowing myself to LIVE. (:

Choosing a College

Today while Chris (my husband) and I were visiting with my oldest son, Kaiden, about possible college choices I was commenting on the school colors we were looking at. The boys were making fun of me because I find school colors important (although we won't turn down a scholarship of any form no matter how ugly or 'unmatchy-matchy' the colors might be) !

Kaiden asked why I choose East Central University in Ada, Oklahoma. I believe his words were something like this, "OK mom, why did you pick East Central? The bright orange and black like OSU?"  I was a bit embarrassed at my response at first and almost didn't tell them the truth then, I decided in the millisecond it took, "Who cares???!! They know just about everything about me anyway!"

I chose East Central because on a fall  visit I drove through a tree lined street decorated in brilliant hues of gold, wine, copper, and amber.  I had experienced what I thought of as "Beautiful displays of fall" in the Rocky Mountains of New Mexico however, they were nothing compared to one street in Ada, Oklahoma.

Maybe I should be embarrassed that I chose my college based upon one brilliant tree lined street but I just can't be! I know that amazing show of nature eventually took me to my husband and family I have today.  As I tell my children over and over, "I had a blast in college, I hope you do too"

Perhaps I need to add ...even I followed not a 'Yellow Brick Road' but, one covered in autumn  leaves! 

Creating a New Blogg & Renewing Dedication to "Me"

After typing numerous entries and not posting them I've come to the decision  to create a separate  Blogg with "Life As a Seizure Mom" as the focus (don't hold me to that title please...I haven't totally dedicated myself to it), while rededicating myself to posting on this forum.

Yes, I've been busy and life has been hectic however, THIS is my outlet. THIS is my "heart and mental health" therapy. THIS is what I need to do in order to feel as if I matter and to keep my 'skills sharp.'  My writing has suffered since my only form of writing is on FaceBook and while it is slightly filling it is about the same as going to Outback Steak House, ordering loaded cheese fries and not following up with a steak or salad...it isn't filling or keeping me on my  writing toes. If I'm really honest it has made me lazy in my writing and dulled my skills (so, please don't judge me right now on anything I write...I'm 'flowing with the thoughts').

Looking forward to starting the new forum also. Many times I don't talk about my struggles with my seizures-my family worries enough without having to read about it also. They are on constant "Seizure Watch" and have their own 'ghosts' to fight with seizures.  Occasionally I will post if I've had a hard couple of days just as an FYI for my friends and family. There really isn't anyone I can complain to, roar about the injustice of the situation, or simply  express my thoughts and feels to without people feeling sorry for me.  That isn't my intent, I only want to get my thoughts and feelings out to 'sort' them. My new Blogg will be only about my life as a mother, wife, and woman living with Epilepsy and uncontrolled seizures.

Keep your eyes out for it! Until then.... "Toole-Loo"!

Life with seizures has made me a leaf

Anyone can love a rose, but it takes a great deal to love a leaf. It’s ordinary to love the beautiful, but it’s beautiful to love the ordinary. ~ Unknown

It’s been a long time since I have taken the time to write and post. I’m sorry. I have numerous entries started but nothing finished. Seems to be a habit I’ve developed lately—one that I intend to break. Writing helps me to stay positive. Grounded. Sane. Nice. ((Everyone like a nice Momma!))

This quote caught my eye when it was posted on FaceBook by a high school friend…it has rattled around my mind since then. I’ve thought about it, went back and copied it down, thought about it and thought some more.

I think I finally have it in my grasp why I think it has hit me….

It is my marriage.

I’m no longer the “Rose” my husband married 15 ½ years ago…not because my beauty has faded—although it has. Not because my body is, as one person put it “Tiger-striped” from child birth—because it is. It certainly isn’t because my body is as firm, small, and young feeling as it was back then—it is none of those things.

My turning into a ‘Leaf’ has nothing to do with my ‘older’ mind-set…I’m not proclaiming to be “Old and Wise” either! I know I have a long, long way to go! Yes, I am “older and wiser” now, I would change a few things in my past but since I can’t I simply have made it a goal to learn from them (some I have-there are a few major mistakes I will NEVER make again)—other things I am still a “work in progress” (like learning not to worry things to death-it does nothing but wear me down emotionally, all it does is make me grouchy and weary).

I am a leaf because I have seizures.

This means I can’t trust my body.

This means I have no control over my body.

This means I can’t be trusted alone—being alone could mean my death.

I rarely talk about how much of an emotional toll this responsibility is on my family. It isn’t ‘avoided’ like someone would avoid a cold or strep-throat. We simply understand it and they accept it. I think it is because my husband, as the emotional and physical leader of our family simply accepts it. NO, that is the wrong word. Chris ‘accepts’ it with amazing calm and grace.

He has only been angry that I was having a bad day once…we had really good news and he came home to share it with me and I had a seizure shortly before so I couldn’t comprehend what he was saying. The next morning he admitted that he wasn’t mad at me—he was mad at the disease.

Chris astonishes strangers (and still shocks me) when they learn just what he does for me…people really don’t understand WHAT he does until they are around us. Chris is rarely out of reach of me—when he is it is only because someone he trusts to catch me is close. He is my constant companion—constantly looking out for things that trigger my seizures.  Two days ago he was running a fever of 104 (he isn’t sick very often) and I had a seizure…since I began having seizures that I hit my head only a handful of times—this was one of those times…he is still beating himself up for it. He blames himself for not getting there…poor man was (still is) so miserable I was surprised he was even upright!

Basically—I have gone from standing beside him and being easy to love….

…to a leaf.

Not even ordinary.

I am a burden.

But…I am still the One he loves. One he adores.  One he gladly watches, catches, holds, takes care of. (All with smiles, jokes, kisses, hugs and tender touches.)

As an epileptic with uncontrolled seizures I am not easy to love….some days I am hard to be around because you never know if I’m going to have an episode—which can lead to numerous episodes. (Please note: HE has never, ever complained)

As an epileptic with uncontrolled seizures I am a burden.

….mostly however,  I am loved.

Loved as if I were still the rose he married…

For the last couple of weeks I've been on a "Reading Binge" by author, Lisa See.....her books are set in China and/or focus on 1st generation immigrants in the US.  In my opinion, her writing is diverse...it's not "light" reading by any stretch of the imagination. 


However, her books have made me think (something a 'good' book should do, I feel!)...and lately I've been chewing over the concept of "destiny vs. hard work".  I feel that many times we are changed simply by what we are able to dream....no, I don't live by the saying, "If you can dream it you can achieve it."  There are some things we simply can't overcome, no matter how hard we try! For example, I could never be (or could have become) a professional horse jockey...although I am short, I'm not short enough (or, light enough, I don't think--even in 'my day'). Likewise, I could have become a doctor if I would have had to drive to complete the training--to as long as I wasn't a surgeon (the thought of cutting someone open makes me want to faint--my husband, Chris, could never have been a nurse or doctor, he passes out at the sight of needles).... OK, maybe I couldn't be a doctor...I could do the book part but, not the needle or cadaver part.  i believe "destiny" does play a part in who we are...however, I also know my Maker has given me the right and privilege to choose my own way--just as I equally know that the same Maker has 'changed my path' when I was walking toward, what I feel would have been total destruction (doesn't mean I had to change my path...but I was given the choice as the 'door' slammed in my face).  


I do know that I would never have chosen, or even entertained the thought of getting into 'sales' if not for my  husband. He is one of those 'natural born salesmen'.... I became one by default. I'm not as good as he is--it's not 'natural' to me.  I could support my family if I had to, I wouldn't be happy doing it--but I could if I had to. However, it isn't something I would choose to do alone. Chris, on the other hand, thrives on the 'thrill of the chase'....


I see the differences in "destiny vs. hard work" in my home each day with my children... They are all so different, yet have common traits in all three of them. Two work VERY hard, one works twice as hard to NOT work--unless he knows he is at the end of his 'nonworking' rope, then he 'bucks up and gets it done'. I still pray equally for all three... and appreciate them all for their unique work ethic and personalities. 


I do believe that hard work will take people places they never thought they could go...if they are willing to DREAM and step out of their comfort zones then, simply put a plan to the dream.  (Yes, the "AND"  is very important...a dream is worthless if not put into action by someone.) 


If you are brave enough to put the dream to work there will be great times which the dream will be tested...however, anything worth having is worth climbing the mountains for...


So, my friends (that might read this)...what do you dream of doing? 


What is keeping you from that first step? 

Start dreaming and working friends! The mountain top is worth it! 

New Journey. New Business.

It's been so long since I've been here....my life has been BEYOND busy. I still haven't caught up to myself yet...please check in for many other blog posts about my epilepsy, new thoughts and ideas...and my journey with my children and husband!   


In July my husband and I found out the life we were working toward was based upon lies and deceit ...we had sacrificed two years of our marriage, family and finances only to learn an "Upstanding Businessman" was not what he appeared to be. At that point we knew our 'baby'...the company we had been pouring everything into (sometimes even slighting our family and definitely our friends) was nothing more then a 'business built on shifting sand. We had two choices... (1) Stay and compromise everything we believed in which is: HONESTY, INTEGRITY AND EXCELLENT CUSTOMER SERVICE BACKED BY A GREAT PRODUCT ...to 'get a paycheck'...maybe. or (2) Simply walk away and begin again. 


We chose option number 2! (As if there was a question or doubt)  One of the "Hudson family motto's is, "At the end of the day all you have is your word and your reflection to answer to... 


So began a new journey. 


I won't say it was easy. It wasn't. It has bee-- I believe--one of the hardest things I have ever done. With all my mind and spirit I wish I could say I greeted the days with an enthusiastic spirit and smiling face....I tried and pretended most day. ....in reality inside I was like a 4 yr old child having a fit! I was angry that all our dreams, OUR company, OUR hard work had been ripped away from us by a 'snake' and that and we were too trusting to see the reality of his past deeds. 

However, I can see now that the whole time we were being protected...what was taken needed to be removed so that we would be protected for his "alleged illegal business deals" (no one has been charged in a court of law)....and yes, it does give me some satisfaction to know that the business is slowly dying a painful death.


ON to our new JOURNEY! It has taught me to be thankful for each new day and the 'little things' in life. I have learned how to use a wrench, barter for lower prices, that there are differences in bolt sizes and nuts come in all shapes, sizes and some even come with plastic inside so they can 'lock' in place. I have become thankful that I'm able to learn new things...and I get VERY excited about soap and showers! (A 'shop' or 'manufacturing facility' has it's own 'smell')... I began to count my blessings instead of my problems and quit grumbling that I shouldn't have to do this kind of work...reality is, if not for my husband I wouldn't be able to participate in any kind of work at and and would have to spend my days in bed or a nursing home so I could be 'watched'.... At least I was offered the opportunity to begin a way to someday support my family.


NO ONE can ever tell me I don't understand our product. The only thing I didn't do was weld! (As matter of fact-I had to hide because the 'flashes' on the walls made me seize). I can tell someone in great detail exactly how our units are made, the number of bolts it takes, the cost of the aluminum, size of the motor, how many amps are drawn on start up and every single thing about the cost associated with the machine...I even wired the new technology used in our units, motor and all!!! 


If we listened to the 'naysayers' we wouldn't be where we are...yes, we have a few things left before we put them on the market and it will be awhile before we are able to begin to make a profit...but we are in control of our destiny! 


Best of all....our kids and some wonderful friends jumped in and helped us complete the "Prototype"  units for our big show....  Optimus Equipment, LLC is in business and will become a legacy our children can continue in the years to come...if they choose to! 

A 'tragedy' has forced the Hudson family to overcome the impossible, dream again, and work hard to begin anew....this time on OUR TERMS!