Life with seizures has made me a leaf

Anyone can love a rose, but it takes a great deal to love a leaf. It’s ordinary to love the beautiful, but it’s beautiful to love the ordinary. ~ Unknown

It’s been a long time since I have taken the time to write and post. I’m sorry. I have numerous entries started but nothing finished. Seems to be a habit I’ve developed lately—one that I intend to break. Writing helps me to stay positive. Grounded. Sane. Nice. ((Everyone like a nice Momma!))

This quote caught my eye when it was posted on FaceBook by a high school friend…it has rattled around my mind since then. I’ve thought about it, went back and copied it down, thought about it and thought some more.

I think I finally have it in my grasp why I think it has hit me….

It is my marriage.

I’m no longer the “Rose” my husband married 15 ½ years ago…not because my beauty has faded—although it has. Not because my body is, as one person put it “Tiger-striped” from child birth—because it is. It certainly isn’t because my body is as firm, small, and young feeling as it was back then—it is none of those things.

My turning into a ‘Leaf’ has nothing to do with my ‘older’ mind-set…I’m not proclaiming to be “Old and Wise” either! I know I have a long, long way to go! Yes, I am “older and wiser” now, I would change a few things in my past but since I can’t I simply have made it a goal to learn from them (some I have-there are a few major mistakes I will NEVER make again)—other things I am still a “work in progress” (like learning not to worry things to death-it does nothing but wear me down emotionally, all it does is make me grouchy and weary).

I am a leaf because I have seizures.

This means I can’t trust my body.

This means I have no control over my body.

This means I can’t be trusted alone—being alone could mean my death.

I rarely talk about how much of an emotional toll this responsibility is on my family. It isn’t ‘avoided’ like someone would avoid a cold or strep-throat. We simply understand it and they accept it. I think it is because my husband, as the emotional and physical leader of our family simply accepts it. NO, that is the wrong word. Chris ‘accepts’ it with amazing calm and grace.

He has only been angry that I was having a bad day once…we had really good news and he came home to share it with me and I had a seizure shortly before so I couldn’t comprehend what he was saying. The next morning he admitted that he wasn’t mad at me—he was mad at the disease.

Chris astonishes strangers (and still shocks me) when they learn just what he does for me…people really don’t understand WHAT he does until they are around us. Chris is rarely out of reach of me—when he is it is only because someone he trusts to catch me is close. He is my constant companion—constantly looking out for things that trigger my seizures.  Two days ago he was running a fever of 104 (he isn’t sick very often) and I had a seizure…since I began having seizures that I hit my head only a handful of times—this was one of those times…he is still beating himself up for it. He blames himself for not getting there…poor man was (still is) so miserable I was surprised he was even upright!

Basically—I have gone from standing beside him and being easy to love….

…to a leaf.

Not even ordinary.

I am a burden.

But…I am still the One he loves. One he adores.  One he gladly watches, catches, holds, takes care of. (All with smiles, jokes, kisses, hugs and tender touches.)

As an epileptic with uncontrolled seizures I am not easy to love….some days I am hard to be around because you never know if I’m going to have an episode—which can lead to numerous episodes. (Please note: HE has never, ever complained)

As an epileptic with uncontrolled seizures I am a burden.

….mostly however,  I am loved.

Loved as if I were still the rose he married…